[Essay] Choose Life

Just jotting down some random thoughts here~

2026/03/25

I went to see Rescue Mission the day before yesterday. I’d been hearing bits and pieces about this movie since late last year, and since it’s a space sci-fi film, I thought it sounded pretty interesting. —— I haven’t seen many of Ridley Scott’s films; the only one that stands out to me is Blade Runner 2049. I really love the color palette in that movie.

Then there’s Taxi Driver; I actually find myself drawn to this kind of film—that subtle, cool detachment and pain.

When I watch movies, I always think back to photos I’ve taken before. During the Spring Festival, while the air quality was good back home, I borrowed a friend’s camera and tried my hand at photographing the Orion Nebula.

It’s truly beautiful.

I’m so grateful to still be able to see such mysterious and beautiful celestial bodies.

2026/03/27

I’ve spent some time over the past couple of days re-evaluating my research direction.

In the past, when dealing with time series data, I always thought about converting it into image signals and then processing it with visual models—I’d fallen into a vicious cycle of empiricism. I’d simply follow what others had done before and try to go in that direction myself.

Looking back, I realize that doing research today is truly difficult. I don’t even feel like I’m doing research anymore. When reading papers, I look down on simple ones, yet I can’t replicate the efficient and useful ones myself. Most of the time, I’m in a state of being all talk and no action, with my abilities falling short. After discovering a method, I’ve tried it out, but the results are poor, and the interpretability is terrible—it feels like a monstrosity cobbled together.

In time-series processing—especially time-frequency analysis for acoustic emission and industrial fault diagnosis—it’s incredibly difficult to achieve true innovation. The mathematical models developed by previous researchers took years to create, and they’re still in use today. Since fundamental innovation is out of reach, we’re limited to methodological innovations: A+B, B+C. Under the broad umbrella of AI, everyone is going all-in; once a method emerges, specialized vertical fields quickly develop their own engineering implementations.

Over the past couple of days, I’ve returned to processing raw signals. I’ve looked up some relevant time-series models to try reproducing them, hoping to at least improve the interpretability of the models. Since my skills are limited, I’ll just have to experiment more—hopefully, there’s enough time.

Today, I processed some photos from the Chinese New Year holiday.

The magnolias next to my house bloomed early this spring—they were already in bloom before I even returned to Shenzhen. While sitting on a small stool soaking up the sun this afternoon, I could still catch whiffs of their fragrance.

2026/03/29/2:55

I feel a cold, unfamiliar, nauseating, and bitter sensation spreading upward from my toes

2026/03/29

I’ve bought a lot of whiskey lately and tried various flavors. I first tried whiskey during the Lunar New Year. I arrived at my relatives’ house a little over a week before my parents did. When I go home for the New Year, reality always pulls me back from my rationality every now and then, dragging me from my idealistic fantasies back to reality. I hate the constant chatter and noise of children, but during that week, I also saw their cuteness and charm—that simple, innocent joy and happiness. In 2026, I turned 21 and am now approaching 22. Time has passed so quickly that I’ve grown up before I even had a chance to fully savor the joy and innocence of childhood. Looking back on the past 22 years, there have been so few moments of genuine happiness for myself—I can barely recall a single one. Instead, it’s the bad memories that keep ringing in my ears. I’ve often heard that people selectively forget things that have deeply hurt them, but I simply can’t agree with that. Either I’m a masochist, or that saying is wrong. Growing up has been so painful. When I went home for the New Year this year, I found that the environment back home had changed a lot. Whether in Shenzhen or Hubei, there’s no trace left of my childhood. That small lake behind my hometown, which used to seem so vast and boundless to me as a child, now looks like nothing more than a small pond. Life is truly hard, but being alive is really quite good—I can still look at myself, look at my child, and look at everything around me.

I’m so tired. I’ll stop writing here for today. Let’s look at some photos instead.

Here’s hoping I make it to next year.